The Performant Trouser

The Performant Trouser A micromesh and a wicking layer. And the micromesh lets in air but keeps out the water and lets out the moisture but keeps in the air. Yes, they really are a performant trouser. I don't know why nobody thought of this before. I mean we've had fleeces and jackets and hats and gloves and UV-profile wrap-around shades and diverse diver's watches that stay in bad taste down to one hundred metres. But no trousers. And now these! Feel that! What? Course it's not Nylon (ooh! that is a sour face), THIS IS WumphleTex (TM)! Look I left the label on so I could explain it to people. I mean sometimes out there in the car park it gets really chilly. And last week at the office the central heating was off all morning.

No, no, Weizenbier if they've got it, and if not how about some of that stuff in the funny shaped bottles that's been rolled on the thighs of Belgian nuns*. Don't they do the special glass? It does, yeah, tastes much better in the special glass. Damn, these aren't hand-cooked. What do you mean no Gruyere and chive?

What do I do? I sell turds on plates. Actually, poison-free turds on plates is the big growth market these days. Course we still sell lots of poisoned turds to our legacy customers, they seem to have got used to them, don't want to change. But the youth market's definitely poison-free and of course you can charge people a premium for not poisoning them. And the business has got a great future, I mean next year we're probably going to alert the public to the fact that we're selling them turds, try and sell them turd-free turds on plates, possibly without plates. After that? Who gives a fuck? I'll have retired. Yes, I suppose you're right, it is a strange way for a grown man to make a living and I mean when you think about it, why on earth do people want to buy turds, plated or un-plated, poisoned or un-poisoned? 'Cept of course we spend all those million telling them to.

What are you driving now? (a look of chilled distaste - as if I'd just farted) Really? Still? Well I wah wah wah WAH WAH WAH WAH (sorry I lose purchase on the conversation when it turns to cars). Well they do have a point don't they I mean petrol is bloody expensive. I mean I don't even drive very far, actually it would probably take me less time to walk than it does to drive, bloody traffic why can't they do something? and it still costs me a heap. No I couldn't, I'm not much of a fan of the outdoors and what if it rained, it'd spoil my clothes.

What's the matter? What are you doing? No, please, put that down!