Way to Go

Sometime soon...

"Buy me a fuck-death."
"You asked me if there was anything you could do."
"Well, that's what you can do, you can buy me a fuck-death."
"A what? I was thinking maybe chocolates."
"Listen, if it's the money you're worried about. Don't worry about the money. These shysters in white coats haven't found it all yet. I've got enough stashed away. I mean, will you arrange it?"
"Arrange what?"
"Look at me. Are you my friend?"
"My best friend?"
"Well, I always liked to think so, but."
"And am I dying?"
"Well, the doctor said..."
"I know what the doctor said. Look. I am dying, could be six months, could be two years, but I am dying, and I won't get any better, I'll just get worse. The fun stops here. What's more all the way I have to pay these cocksuckers, fill me full o'drugs, pretend they're helping. Fuck that, I want it to be all over when the broad with the big bazookas sings. Other than that I don't care by the way. Old, young, fat, white, black, yellow, red-head, blonde, brunette, just so long as she's got big bazookas and she's going to put me out of my misery. Oh and preferably before next Tuesday. They have stew here on Tuesdays I don't ever want to have to eat that again."
"But, who do I? I mean. Isn't this illegal?"
"What's the matter with you? Don't you listen to the news? Don't you read the papers? You been back to the mother ship for the last two years or something? They should brief you better when you land. You didn't hear anything maybe about these new euthanasia laws?"
"Well, yes, I heard about that, but..."
"Well what do you think I'm talking about."
"But isn't it only doctors that are allowed to..."
"No. That's what they thought - they thought they'd have the market sewn up - another monopoly. Suckers! They all think they're so clever. They missed a trick. Ow! Ow! See, even laughing hurts! What's the point carrying on, you can't even laugh? Where was I? Oh yeah. What the law says, anybody can do it. All you have to do is name them on the form. Course they started complaining straight away but it was too late, the insurance companies had already spotted it."
"Spotted what?"
"The enormous business opportunity."
"What is this? Are you sedated? Is this the pain killers?"
"No I don't take them - they won't let you sign the forms if you take them, listen. How many people you think there are out there, aren't going to be able to afford their hospital bills in old age?"
"I dunno, lots I guess."
"You're darn tootin'. How many of those you think would pay for the peace of mind, soon as they get too old to keep up with the herd they'll get put out of their misery?"
"Bud, you shouldn't be talking like this. It's morbid. In your state o'health. It's not good for you."
"And how many d'ya think would like to go smiling. Know what I mean? In the saddle?"
"Really? You mean you can hire a hooker to..."
"Yeah, but she's a specialist. I mean lord alone knows where she keeps that Saturday night special. And if that don't light your candle, snuff your wick whatever, there's lots of other ways you can choose, taken out unexpected by a sniper while you're walking down the street, mown down in a bar fight, badly-measured bungee jump you name it. You pay them, you sign the forms, they take care of you."
"But Bud, that's horrible. It's inhumane! It's humiliating."
"Oh yeah? And paying these mommy-boners my last nickel isn't?"
"But, but, but..."
"So I name Barbara, Lou-Anne, Crystal, Clarice, Agnes I don't care what she's called, long as she's got the bazookas and they're loaded."