Crusoe Control

Dear Jules, You are a genius. I mean where did you ever get the idea of putting them on an island outside of any legal jurisdiction? Did you suspect this was going to happen? Did you? Well, I bring good news - nobody's going to lay a glove on us! We get to keep all the money (except of course, the "prize" for the retard). Sure, there'll be a couple of petitions in the Hague for a while yet, international law, high seas, etc. But "shifty" Eric assures me they haven't a leg to piss down and be assured he knows his stuff, I mean he got you off that traffic thing didn't he? And the thing with the dwarf. Oh and that game show dominatrix has finally shut up - so her legal pit-bulls must agree with Eric. Biatch!!! We paid her didn't we? So they ate her body guards, what does she expect? 'specially if they turn up wearing T-shirts saying "beefcake" (you couldn't make it up could you). OK so she spent three days up a coconut tree with a bunch of born-again cannibals with media studies degrees looking up her little black number and trying to bite her toes off through her Manolo Blahniks. We air-lifted her off didn't we? And she did lose three stone - that's what she's been wanting to do for ages if what she says in OK magazine is anything to go by. You tell me we won't see a "Coconut tree diet book," in the shops for Christmas (check with Eric are we entitled to a cut?).

Just one word of caution - that "winning" drone. I don't think he's happy with his £4000 and his second single hasn't charted. The ad jobs have dried up after that one for "Man-Eater Perfume" (you couldn't, could you, you seriously couldn't make it up). But seriously, the night shift at Argos is looming, he's got about twenty seconds before he goes back to being a nobody - even he's not too stupid to spot that and I think he may be just a tad bitter. That last TV interview - they turned up the applause loud so nobody could hear it. Still, I imagine you saw what I saw. I take it 20 years lurking in the darkest and loudest clubs in London hasn't left you without the power of lip reading. What was it? Something about a gun? Time to pack up and be off my lad - the Maldives for six months, chill out, wait for the next big thing. See you on that beach! Love and kisses, Clarissa.