The Seven Pillars of Stupidity

A great deal of nonsense is talked about our holy book, but that is after all as it should be. It is said for example said that The Seven Nonsenses of the Na La N'Worb did originally enumerate seven nonsenses, rather than the six that we currently revere and hold to be holy. Indeed! There will always be those who wallow in the stinking hell-pits of the grossest heresy and cast-iron documentary proof. There will always be those who claim that the holy book does not represent the mysteries of the eternal universe as best as they can be phrased in human language. Rather they will claim that it resulted from a freak period of sobriety arising from the late arrival of a giro and the unacceptable immaturity of a batch of home brew in 1974. There will always be those who despicably claim that the seventh nonsense was and is religion itself. And that this beautiful life that we lead was regarded by our founder as even more nonsensical than the Sixth and Most Powerful Nonsense, the Idiocy of Idiocies - professional wrestling. Do you think we like wearing these leotards? Wait till we get our hands on them.

Some people criticise our attitudes to homosexuals. It is the root and staff of our faith. They foolishly point to the passage which we duly acknowledge and hold holy - "Oh what is the point of all this homophobia? Shouldn't we all just be nice to each other? That's what I always say." Yet these same queer-loving heretics wilfully choose to ignore a passage on the following page where his holiness, Worb Without End, displays his mild dislike of Barbara Streisand. Surely there is no deeper and more heartfelt appeal to abjure the pleasures of men's bottoms. We rest our case.

Sex, sex, sex! Can't you ask me about anything else? Well, I'm sure you would have got round to it sooner or later. A lot of, well, nonsense has been talked about the Song of the Second Nonsense. It's an allegory! Can't you see that? It has to be. Anyway most of it is physically impossible. Not even a man with as much free time as the Na La N'Worb could... With so many? In such a short space of time? It's an allegory. See? The world is full of people with dirty minds. Yes that does include the police, though we got those copies back eventually. For the last time, it's an allegory. It shows how depraved the man who follows only his rabid desire for sexual fulfilment becomes, how he reduces himself spiritually. It beseeches us to live a chaste and wholesome life. Yes, it does. It's in there somewhere. No I can't remember exactly.

Very well, one last question. Yes, we celebrate Christmas. Oh look, I don't know why, we just do, I mean everybody does don't they? Oh, don't they? Are you sure? Oh yes, you're right, that's it, the Third Nonsense, everybody giving each other presents nobody wants. No. That's enough for today. We must peruse the catalogues in sweet anticipation. As our founder might have said, "Santa. Santa. Santa."