Beauty and the Beast with Two Backs

Whoopee! We're so excited about this month's edition of Hysteros magazine and we hope you will be too. We've assembled an exciting team of staff regulars and fabulous guest writers.

Vicky Backrub, fashion editor, asks "Why is it that all those clothes that we advised you to buy last month now seem so embarassing and yucky? Especially the really expensive ones?"

Then there'll be some pictures of stick women wearing bin-liners and toast or something. We'll be telling you the big news that we're getting from our spies in Milan - black is the new, black! and baby caca is the new burnt umber. Oh yeah and gardening is the new rock and roll and sex is the new gardening.

Then there'll be a serious article about the horror and trauma of anorexia. When so many studies now indicate that media focus on a waif-like physique, unattainable by 95% of women, has a dangerous and possibly fatal effect on young girls, why do the glossy fashion magazines continue to perptuate this dangerous myth? Hysteros breaks the mould by daring to show pictures of a hideously fat girl - size 10!

And next - what Hysteros is justly famous for - one hundred glossy pages of skeletal lovlies wearing stuff you can't afford and couldn't wear.

And oh yes wow! There's this thing called sex! And it's really wonderful and we're really surprised nobody's written about it before because it's really interesting and exciting and you should do lots of it. And there's also this thing called "Oral Sex" (urrgh!) but we talk to some women who say it's quite nice really. And if you don't do lots of it in lots of whacky positions, even if they give you cramp and you can't keep your teeth in, then you're just a teensy weensy bit sad. Also scientists say that sex might be the key to understanding men. Some chance!

Then there'll be another serious article about the beggar-women of Calcutta (after all we are the thinking woman's glossy). Regarded as untouchable by the society they live in, expected to throw themselves on their husbands funeral pyre, they scrape a living in the gutters of this great city. Their plight is an unspeakable human tragedy. Hugo McMurchison (isn't he a hunk? that's my boyfriend) takes some heart- breakingly dramatic photographs as they scavenge the smoking refuse dumps and asks no deep searching questions. At least they don't have to worry about staying thin (Oops)!

In our recipes section we'll be explaining the pleasures of food. Then in our health and beauty section, we'll be telling you not to eat any. Then there'll be some more pictures of stick women so gorgeously angular that anybody who attempted to snog them would probably puncture a lung. Oh and then you know the rest. Stars. Premium rate tarot lines. Before and after shots of operations that will turn out to be carcinogenic in ten years time.