I am a DoughnutIf this turns out to be a little shorter than than the normal weekly magical mystery tour of wit and wisdom, it's probably because I've lost feeling in my hands. I'm typing this into a piece of wondrous technology which is about the same size as a corn cob.
Here I am in Berlin, for reasons far, far too boring to explain. Suffice to say the most interesting thing at the conference I've been supposed to be attending for the last two days was the shoe buffing machine in the Gents (no, that's not quite true, there was the intriguing question of why there was shoe horn hanging next to the toilet in my hotel room) anyway, sanitary installations in general were more fascinating than the supposed central attractions.
I've been here about about two days now but I don't think I've been anywhere near this city's famous decadent core, not that I've looked that hard - what would I do with it if I found it? I am improving though. At least this time I've managed to escape serious injury when attempting to open the fizzy drinks from the mini-bar (it really is so much easier when you use a bottle-opener). I've also ventured out each night in search of new experiences, rather than sitting in my hotel room transfixed by mucky television. According to the guide books, the most happening 'scenes' are the gay scene, and techno music scene. Well, this isn't the first time I've strangely regretted the fact that I find men's arses so unappealing, but that just leaves techno. I've spent the last couple of days trying to work up the courage to go to one of these cool clubs. Hasn't happened. Normally it's my congenital scruffiness that stops me getting in these places, but that doesn't let me off the hook here. Berlin's clubs are relaxed about these things. And anyway, now that I have the Gnome acting as wardrobe consultant, I find myself the owner of a silvery grey shirt which as techno as anything. Parading in front of the mirror in it though, trying to pluck up the courage to go to "Delicious Doughnuts Research" (Techno clubs get no cooler) I realised what the real problem is - I don't have a techno body.
But Berlin, and Germany in general has a great many other attractions and compensations. One of the most appealing for me being that wherever you are in Germany, you're never very far from a sausage and only ever a brief stroll away from a decent glass of beer. And maybe my indulgence in these simple pleasures goes someway to explained my unsuitablity for all night techno-bopping. When JFK visited Berlin and inadvertently proclaimed himself to be a doughnut there were doubtless a few sniggers, but in my case, maybe it wouldn't be quite so far off the mark.